What if the real luxury was knowing how to say no? The art of setting boundaries

Saying no is not a refusal: it is a position. In this column, Laurence Shukor, transition coach, analyses why learning to set boundaries has become central to our inner balance.

The paradox of always saying yes

In our fast-paced modern lives, where “being available” is often considered a professional quality, saying no seems almost inappropriate. As Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism, writes: “If you don’t prioritise your life, someone else will do it for you. “

Yet we spend our days saying yes: yes out of habit, yes to avoid disappointing others, yes to keep up with the pace, yes to avoid disturbing others.

But by saying yes to everything, we end up forgetting ourselves.

Saying no is an act of lucidity. It is recognizing that our time, attention, and energy are not unlimited, and that they deserve to be protected.

Saying no is not refusing: it is choosing

A sensible no is never a rejection. It is a choice, a direction, a clear gesture towards what really matters.

Psychiatrist Christophe André reminds us that “being kind to yourself is an act of resistance.” Saying no is part of that, it is refusing to be scattered, exhausted, or erased.

I am still working on learning this myself. My drivers, “be perfect” and “please others,” are tough to overcome. They have guided my life, sometimes effectively, sometimes to the detriment of my own needs. Learning to say no has also been an act of reconciliation with my inner priorities.

Saying no is not closing a door, it is opening another one, for yourself.

The five drivers: invisible injunctions that prevent us from saying no

Transactional Analysis describes five drivers, messages internalised in childhood that unconsciously guide our behaviour:

• Be perfect
• Please others
• Try hard
• Be strong
• Hurry up

They seem harmless, sometimes even useful. But they often lead us to say yes too quickly, too often, for too long.

Those who want to be perfect will say yes to prove their worth.

Those who want to please will say yes so as not to disappoint.

Those who have to hurry will say yes without thinking.

Those who feel obliged to make an effort will say yes “to deserve it.”

Those who want to be strong will say yes so as not to appear vulnerable.

Understanding these drivers is the first step toward freeing yourself from them. And sometimes, saying no is the first crack in their hold.

No, an inner ecology

Our internal resources are not instantly renewable. Saying no is a way of preserving them. It is a form of inner ecology, a healthy emotional lifestyle.

Saying no means saying yes to clarity. It means choosing your priorities instead of submitting to those of others.

It means rejecting mental overload and constant urgency. No is not a wall: it is a healthy boundary.

How can we turn the discomfort of change into inner strength?

The luxury of clarity

In a world saturated with demands, notifications, and implicit expectations, clarity has become a rare luxury. Knowing how to say no means reaffirming your rhythm, your needs, your presence.

It is an act of courage.

The real luxury today? Not having more… but being aligned with yourself.

Saying no does not mean distancing yourself from others, it means getting closer to what is best for you.

Laurence Shukor is a certified coach specialising in personal and professional transitions.